Today I just miss him.
I can’t stop myself from making plans for a future that doesn’t exist anymore. The worst part is, these thoughts still catch me off guard. Today I called a friend to vent about my day and when I hung up I didn’t feel like I’d really connected with the person. I didn’t really feel heard or understood. There wasn’t that instant understanding of the true meaning of my rant like there would have been if I had been talking to him. There wasn’t the same history with that person. They just didn’t know me as well.
My counselor talked to me this week about being someone’s “special someone”. I always thought that phrase was cheesy, but this week; it’s really resonating with me. I feel like everyone in my life is on to new, better, exciting things. New relationships, new jobs, new houses, new lives are bursting forth all around me. It’s really this stage of life, most of my friends are graduating in May and it’s a huge transition period for most people. And that means, I’m feeling left out. Me and my problems are taking a backseat to everyone else’s newness. Which is fine, every once in a while it’s good to acknowledge the fact that I’m not the center of the Universe. But at the same time, I’m feeling sort of lost in the shuffle.
I went from having this person, this relationship where I was the top dog. I mattered, I had a shared history with this person, I was important. And now that that’s gone, well, it leaves me feeling unheard.
“You miss being special to someone.”
Yes. I guess I do.
I didn’t even appreciate how great that was when I had it, I didn’t acknowledge it. And now it’s gone. And, I feel like I’m everyone’s second priority. Which sucks.
I feel like I spoiled brat saying that. But I miss feeling special. I miss being able to relate to him in a completely unique way because he knew everything about me. I can talk to friends about my goings-on but that doesn’t mean they catch the significance in the same way he would. Seven years is a long time, especially at this stage of life so he and I saw a lot together. And every time something significant happens now, I want to be able to share it with someone who gets it. Really truly gets it. Without extra explanation. Because the explaining isn’t gratifying, it’s cheapening. It just highlights the fact that I’m not as close to other people as I am to him. It just highlights the fact that he no longer wants to listen to my rants.
Highlights the fact that he no longer wants to share my life or make a history together.
And that fucking hurts.
And it makes me hate him. And it makes me cry. And it makes me want to call him and find a way to be his friend. And apparently…it makes me start crying before my stats class in the middle of Darwin Hall.
I feel alone.
breakupandbreakthrough 