It just so happens that this semester I am enrolled in a counseling course as a client. The purpose of the course is to give Masters in Counseling students the opportunity to practice. I will put myself out-there right now and say: I’m client of the year.
You want problems? I’ll give you problems! Beware!
So, in therapy the other day I was talking about how frustrating I find this whole Cory situation and how I constantly feel rejected by him and how it bothers me that he doesn’t give me the time of day or want me in his life. I ranted about how he always takes the easy way out instead of just facing me for a good part of my session and then…
my therapist looked me in the eyes and said, “It sounds like because of everything that he’s going through he’s having a hard time looking you in the eye…”. Now, she meant this as a figure of speech, but I quickly reflected and found that, she was right.
Since the breakup, Cory and I have made eye contact a grand total of two times. He literally cannot look me in the eyes. For some reason, this was shocking to me. And I sat there feeling rejected all over again.
My therapist interrupted my memory reel by asking my least favorite question:
“What do you need from Cory?”
I hate this question, and it’s been coming up a lot. Turns out, I’m not very good at telling people what I need. So, my therapist is now taking the approach of forcing me to think about what I need and whether or not I want to ask for it.
What do I need from Cory?
Turns out, I could answer it in one word: Recognition.
That’s it, that’s all I really need from him. Recognition.
I’d like to hear him say that what we had was real. I’d like to hear him say he thinks about me and misses me sometimes. I’d like him to look me in the eye and say he’s sorry. I’d like him to look at me and tell me he knows he hurt me. I want him to recognize that I exist, that we share a rich and complex history. I’d like him to recognize that we helped each other and that our relationship was important. I’d like him to look at me. See me. And appreciate me. I’d like him to remember that I do know him, as much as it is possible to. I’d like him to be sad that he’s lost his best friend. I’d like him to grieve for that loss. I’d like him to stop ignoring me, stop trying so hard to cut me out of his life. I’d like him to embrace what we had.
That sounds like a lot of needs, but I’m not sure it is. I think it’s very simple. And I think the alternative is very naive and immature. And that really, really hurts my feelings.
I realized that every time I see him out and we don’t speak or every time the phone call isn’t him, I feel rejected all over again. And that’s not because I’m sitting around waiting for him to come back, or because I think we’ll ever be together again, because I know we won’t. It’s just because out of seemingly nowhere, my best friend just up and left, and the staying away is just as hurtful as the initial walk out the door.
My needs are different from my wants: I want to be his friend. I realize that’s not possible now. For either of us. But I really do feel like I need some recognition.
Obviously, once I explained this to my therapist she asked if I thought it would be a good idea to contact Cory and let him know that, when he’s ready, I’d like to talk about what we had or whatever. Pay homage to the life we arranged I suppose.
I had mixed feelings about that.
On one hand, my heart was jumping up and down at the idea of reaching out and getting a response. Of getting closure and a chance to talk like normal human beings.
On the other, I’d be terrified of being rejected again. I’d be scared of getting no response or more reasons to hate him. I’d be worried he would respond right away instead of actually doing so when he’s ready. I’d be worried of having some great talk and then finding out he’s dating someone else. I’d be worried of having to really truly say good-bye, and mean it. I’d be worried he wouldn’t want to be my friend. I’d be worried about everything.
But at the same time, I can’t help but think of Glee. Rachel and Finn are exes and when they have to write a song together Rachel reaches out and gives Finn a hug and then she says something along the lines of, “You and I dated, Finn. There’s no reason to pretend we aren’t comfortable around each other”.
That’s how I feel. I feel like all of this stupid tip-toeing is ridiculous. But maybe it’s also necessary.
All I know is, it’s confusing.
breakupandbreakthrough 